Britney: Crying

Letter to my granda

My letter to my granda, Joe Costello, to take with him into heaven.



I'm sitting at our dining table the night before you come home, trying to remember everything I wanted to say to you. But the trouble is that even though there is so much to say, and no time in which to do it, the thing I want most is just another hour with you alive.

I want to be with you - to hug you. To hear your voice just one more time, to hear your tuneless whistling, to hear you moan about the heating & Tesco, to hear your laugh & silling sayings. I want to smell your scents - the smell of paint on your clothes when you came inside with as much paint on you as the thing you were painting, the damp musty smell when you emerged from the loft or from under the floor black as soot with a plastic bag protecting your hair, the overpowering aftershave you wore for the bank, pub or doctors, the smell of freshly cut grass as you always looked like you had rolled on the lawn after cutting it, and your normal scent of Parmolive soap, Colgate, cats & sweat. I miss the feel of your rough hard labour-worn skin, your wisps of hair, the whiskers on my face when you held me, the wool of your famous cardi, the warmth of your skin as you never felt cold.

Most of all I miss seeing you - in the kitchen with your coffee & Jaffa Cakes, on the sofa with Tia either chatting on the phone, watching TV or just enjoying each other's company. I miss watching you drop crisp & snowball crumbs on the floor as you were so engrossed in Only Fools & Horses or Total Wipeout. I miss seeing you race up & down the stairs for the loo every 2 hours or standing at the back door with your rollie. I wish you could knock on my door again because there's an animal show on that you think I might like & I want to enjoy our nights with The Killing, discussing our latest theories knowing we'd both be wrong!

It's no secret to those of us lucky enough to truly know you that you were a bit of a complainer with a vocabulary as colourful as a bag of Skittles. But you were also the softest, most forgiving man we were fortunate enough to have as a granda & dad. You were both to me. You meant more to me that any title or words could describe. When I needed a home & understanding, you gave me both & more. You were my strength, me carer, my motivator & occasionally my agitator! You were the light in my darkness, the laughter that rescued me from my misery. Everything that I have & every bit of progress that I have made is because of you.

My biggest regret, the guilt that won't stop eating at me until I see you again, is that I never knew how much of you was a part of me until you had left. I didn't tell you that I loved you, I didn't thank you, huge you or help you as much as I should have. I can never forgive myself for those things & for that I am sorry too as I know you didn't/couldn't hold it against me. I know I hurt you more times than I could count but you loved me anyway. I'm sorry, granda, I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry that nothing was ever enough, that I was so bitchy sometimes & thoughtless, that I didn't try harder to be who you needed me to be. I know I hurt you because I saw it in your eyes. But I loved you. I loved you more than I knew. You were my sun - my reason to get up every day. And now all that's left is constant darkness. Losing you is a cruel, agonising pain that reminds me every second of you vital you were to my life. You were my heart, always.

I will never forget you, replace you or stop loving you. On my final day in this world I will love you & miss you as deeply as I do now. You will never be out of my life completely.I may not be able to speak to you, hold you or bring you back into this world were you belong but I can keep your memory alive & I can try to make you proud.

I love you more than I could ever tell you. I would give my life & all of my possessions to have you back home with our cats & me. I want you to be home: warm, safe, healthy & happy so much it kills me. I hope you know tomorrow that you are back with us & I hope it brings you some joy & peace to be here again.

I didn't have enough time with you, nonr of us did, and I didn't appreciate the time we did have but I hope you will keep my in your heart & we will be together again soon.

I love you & miss you, now & forever. But it's time to get into a new kind of dream, as the song says. Ihope you are at peace now.

I will never forget my muppet.

Love always,

Britney: Crying

Nothing now can ever come to any good

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RIP Joseph Costello
12/03/37 - 16/10/11

My granda passed away at Newcastle's Freeman hospital on Sunday.

He was in a coma from Friday morning & so I never got a chance to say goodbye or tell him how sorry I was for everything I ever did. His family were all there. My mam, uncle & me stood right beside him as the machines were switched off. We talked to him, cried without a break, kissed him & said goodbye & "I love you" as many times as we could. I held his hand & told him I would never leave him. I would always be there & he would never be alone.

I don't know how long it took for him to go, but I will never forget watching his breathing & seeing the colour disappear from his face. It was the most agonising thing I have ever witnessed & my legs were shaking constantly, but I would not leave him. I only let go of his hand to kiss him again, and then I took his hand back. I hope so much that he was able to feel my hold on him & hear how much we all loved him. We all stayed with him until the end. He was loved so deeply by each one of us, even the nurse cried for him as she had become very attached to him. I know that he liked her a lot too. She saved his life at least once, but it just wasn't enough.

Knowing that he didn't suffer as he passed away is some comfort but I want him back so much. People keep saying to me "You didn't want him to suffer, did you?". Of course I didn't. What I wanted was to have my kind, forgiving, soft, loving & sweet granda back at home, healthy & happy with me & our cats.

Nothing will ever be the same.

"Nothing now can ever come to any good".

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He went into hospital 4 weeks ago today with chest pains. It was discovered that he had a heart attack & he was transferred to the Freeman for a heart bypass. Unfortunately he went downhill after the operation. His lungs weren't strong enough, his kidneys shut down & required dialysis, his heart couldn't regulate itself, & he had 8 pints of new blood transfused to him. But in the end, the drugs keeping him alive were also killing him. He fought so hard but his body just couldn't take any more. He died without pain or fear. His eyes opened & he seemed to be trying to talk, but we'll never know. All we can know for sure is that he wasn't suffering anymore & that he is at peace now. I look forward to the day when I will see him again.

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"Love is of source unknown, yet it grows ever deeper. The living may die of it, by its power the dead live again. Love is not love at its fullest if one who lives is unwilling to die for it, or if it cannot restore to life one who has died."

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